Wrap me in your arms

Oh my goodness.  Today during Praise and Worship the Praise Team sang a song by William McDowell called "Wrap me in your arms".  While singing, I started remembering how God protected me in his arms through sickness.  I remember specifically being in the ICU after my back surgery.  I had just finished eating breakfast and suddenly became very cold.  I could not stop shivering.  The nurse brought me a fresh, warmed blanket and put it on top of the one I already had.  But, I continued to shiver.  I was shivering all the way down to my toes.  It was like I was almost convulsing with cold.  I remember distinctly feeling the presence of my grandmother, one of God's angels.  I felt her holding me in her arms and rocking me.  The cold slowly began to subside and I began to fall asleep.  I woke up a few hours later feeling so safe and secure and warm.  I thanked God for sending my grandmother to keep me warm and for letting me know that He will take care of all of my needs.  He will always be there and will always protect me.  I especially love the part of the song where it says "Take me to that place Lord.  To that secret place where I can be with you.  You can make me like you."  Psalm 91 is my favorite scripture with its promises of protection, security, deliverance, and  salvation. So, going to that secret place, being under His shadow is such a great feeling.  Knowing that God will protect you, as long as you stay under His shadow is very comforting to know.  There is nobody like God!

So now what? How am I going to tell my family?

From note on May 7, 2003

I've decided to write down my thoughts.  I've never gone through anything like this.  I haven't been in the hospital since the day I was born.  So, I have no idea what it will be like.  I go in for my first chemo treatment on the 12th.  I will have 5 non-stop days of chemo every month.  I don't know how to tell my family.  How do you call your Mom and tell her you have cancer?  What am I supposed to say to my Dad?  How and the world am I going to tell Alonzo?  He has not gotten over losing his mom and that was 5 years ago.  So I don't know how he is going to take this news.  I just need to stay positive.  I just need to keep a good outlook.  THIS WILL NOT BEAT ME!!  I have to remember that.  I will not die from this!!  I have to remember that.

Tests, tests, diagnosis THIS WILL NOT BEAT ME!!!

     Time to go to the oncologist.  I have not told anyone, including my husband, what my doctor's preliminary diagnosis was. I asked a friend to go with me for my biopsy because he was the type of person who would not ask a lot of questions.  He would just be there for support and to make me laugh.  Sometimes that's what you need in friend.  Someone just to support you, not ask a bunch of questions and someone who can make you laugh.  When the doctor did the biopsy, it felt like he was putting  needle from my spine down to my toes.  Man, that hurt sooooo bad!!!  My friend and I waited to find out if the doctor had gotten enough cells, just laughing and talking.  Then the nurse comes out and tells me I would have to do the biopsy again because the doctor did not get enough cells.  I laughed because I seriously thought she was joking.  She wasn't.  My head dropped.  I really, really, really did not want to do that biopsy again.  So, I braced myself, because now I know what to expect. Guess what--the 2nd time did not hurt at all!!!  It will be 3-4 days before I get the definitive results.
      I had been researching multiple myeloma, its symptoms, treatment and life expectancy.  In my heart, I knew the diagnosis would be positive, but my mind just could not wrap itself around the idea that I had cancer.   I had all of the symptoms.  The life expectancy for multiple myeloma was 1-5 years and the "normal" patient is 65 years or older.  I wasn't even 39 years old yet.   While showering one day, the thought of having cancer was invading my head.  I just could not get it off my mind. Let's be real.  I am usally a person who does not let anything stop me.  Usually when met with an obstacle of any kind, I face it head on and beat it into submission.  I just have an attitude of winning.  But, this-----My mind was doing loops and flips.  I kept thinking about all the things my husband and I would not be able to do.  I kept thinking I would not see my nieces and nephew grow up and be successful.  I kept thinking I wish I would have had kids so that my husband could have a piece of me when I die.  Then I thought, I am glad I did not have  kids who would lose their mother.  My overwhelming thought was that I would die before I was 40 years old.  Oh man.  This devastated me!!!  I got out of the shower and plopped my wet body on the bed and just cried out to God.  "God, I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die!!"  "God, please don't let me die."  I just cried and cried for a good 30 minutes.  You know, those good old ugly face cries.  After that cry, I think I hear God tell me that I will win, that I will not die.  But, I was not sure.  I was not familiar with God's voice at that time.  But, I do know one thing, when I got up I said in a loud voice, "THIS WILL NOT BEAT ME."
     A few days later, my sister was having outpatient surgery in the same hospital the oncologist's office was located.  While waiting for her to recover, I got a call from the oncologists's office. So, I go downstairs to get the information I already knew was coming---I have multiple myeloma.  I asked the oncologist how bad it was and she tells me that my bone marrow is 99% occupied with cancerous cells and all other tests indicate that my cancer is at stage 3.  I'm like--whoa--I wasn't expecting that.  Stage 3 is the highest stage for this type of cancer.  I asked her how long did she think I'd had it and she tells me approximately 6 months.  Wow--only 6 months.  For a fleeting moment, I thought, "Maybe I won't win this" and almost let myself succumb to this thought.  But, I shook that thought out of my head and said to myself, "This will not beat me."  I made an appointment for radiology and to see a specialist in Greenville who pioneered multiple myeloma stem cell treatment.  Then I went back to where my sister was recovering.  THIS WILL NOT BEAT ME!!!

So how did this all start???

So how did this all start?  Well, on a beautiful Spring day 46 years ago, my mom said to my dad, "It's time to go to the hospital."   :-)  Just joking. I don't need to go back that far.  Basically, I got out of bed on a Saturday morning in February 2003--right foot, then left foot, then I collapsed on the floor in pain.  "What in the world?", I thought as I was on my hands and knees trying to reach for the door jam so I could pull myself up.  I finally stand up and my entire lower back is screaming in pain.  I thought maybe I tweaked my back working out the day prior and thinking no more of it, I went to my weekend job doing taxes.  My back continued to hurt all weekend.  I tried stretching, hot baths, everything, but nothing helped.  I called my husband who was working a contract job in Kuwait, but he was just moral support. I had to leave work early the following Monday and went to the 24 hour--"minute clinic" doctor's office because it hurt to stand up, it hurt to sit.  So, the doctor took X-rays and tells me he can't see anything wrong with my back except a little arthritis that everyone gets as they age.  Mind you, I was only 38 at the time.  After talking with one of my co-workers, I decide to see a chiropracter for some relief. He took X-rays and saw that my spine was a little skewed as well as disc degeneration.  After the first chiropracter visit, I felt some relief---until I got home, then the pain came back. I saw the chiropracter 2-3 times a week --I got the table massage, heating pad, electrical stimulation, "back cracking" but it did not help.  This went on for four months, until my chiropracter said, "I just don't understand why you are not getting better."  I could see that he was frustrated and so was I.  You don't realize how much you use your back until you have back pain.  I couldn't work out at  the gym.  It hurt  just to brush my teeth or reach for a dish in the cabinets.  I was getting weaker. When I went to pick up a 5 lb bag of sugar and did not have the strength to pick it up with one hand, I nearly broke down crying in the store.  I'm thinking, just 4 months ago, I was throwing up 45 lb weights around in the gym like it was nothing and now I need both hands to barely lift a 5 lb bag of sugar.  I had ENOUGH!!!!  It was time for my physical anyway, so I made an appoinment with my primary doctor.  I described my symptoms and she took blood and fluids and told me that based upon my symptoms and test results she thinks I have multiple myeloma.  I'm looking at her as if she is a fool and thinking, "What in the world is multiple myeloma?"  She explains to me that it is a blood cancer that starts in your bone marrow.  My mind is racing.  Are you kidding me?  How do you get multiple myeloma?  What went wrong with my body?  I mean, I eat right (most of the time), I exercise. So, I'm really confused and shocked.  I guess my doctor sensed my confusion because she "compassionately" offers to prescribe me an anti-depressant.  What the hell? ( I wasn't saved at the time, ok).  I was NOT depressed.  I left the doctor's office with an oncology appointment.  I also left stunned, confused, shocked and in disbelief.  I was also really pissed that this doctor tells me I  may have some strange cancer that I had never heard of and her method of comfort is to offer me anti-depressants.  Needless to say, she is not my doctor any longer.  So, I go home and try to get some rest.  I try to keep my mind at peace.  I try to think positive thoughts.  I try not to worry.  I try not to be scared.  I try not to cry.