Time to go to the oncologist. I have not told anyone, including my husband, what my doctor's preliminary diagnosis was. I asked a friend to go with me for my biopsy because he was the type of person who would not ask a lot of questions. He would just be there for support and to make me laugh. Sometimes that's what you need in friend. Someone just to support you, not ask a bunch of questions and someone who can make you laugh. When the doctor did the biopsy, it felt like he was putting needle from my spine down to my toes. Man, that hurt sooooo bad!!! My friend and I waited to find out if the doctor had gotten enough cells, just laughing and talking. Then the nurse comes out and tells me I would have to do the biopsy again because the doctor did not get enough cells. I laughed because I seriously thought she was joking. She wasn't. My head dropped. I really, really, really did not want to do that biopsy again. So, I braced myself, because now I know what to expect. Guess what--the 2nd time did not hurt at all!!! It will be 3-4 days before I get the definitive results.
I had been researching multiple myeloma, its symptoms, treatment and life expectancy. In my heart, I knew the diagnosis would be positive, but my mind just could not wrap itself around the idea that I had cancer. I had all of the symptoms. The life expectancy for multiple myeloma was 1-5 years and the "normal" patient is 65 years or older. I wasn't even 39 years old yet. While showering one day, the thought of having cancer was invading my head. I just could not get it off my mind. Let's be real. I am usally a person who does not let anything stop me. Usually when met with an obstacle of any kind, I face it head on and beat it into submission. I just have an attitude of winning. But, this-----My mind was doing loops and flips. I kept thinking about all the things my husband and I would not be able to do. I kept thinking I would not see my nieces and nephew grow up and be successful. I kept thinking I wish I would have had kids so that my husband could have a piece of me when I die. Then I thought, I am glad I did not have kids who would lose their mother. My overwhelming thought was that I would die before I was 40 years old. Oh man. This devastated me!!! I got out of the shower and plopped my wet body on the bed and just cried out to God. "God, I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die!!" "God, please don't let me die." I just cried and cried for a good 30 minutes. You know, those good old ugly face cries. After that cry, I think I hear God tell me that I will win, that I will not die. But, I was not sure. I was not familiar with God's voice at that time. But, I do know one thing, when I got up I said in a loud voice, "THIS WILL NOT BEAT ME."
A few days later, my sister was having outpatient surgery in the same hospital the oncologist's office was located. While waiting for her to recover, I got a call from the oncologists's office. So, I go downstairs to get the information I already knew was coming---I have multiple myeloma. I asked the oncologist how bad it was and she tells me that my bone marrow is 99% occupied with cancerous cells and all other tests indicate that my cancer is at stage 3. I'm like--whoa--I wasn't expecting that. Stage 3 is the highest stage for this type of cancer. I asked her how long did she think I'd had it and she tells me approximately 6 months. Wow--only 6 months. For a fleeting moment, I thought, "Maybe I won't win this" and almost let myself succumb to this thought. But, I shook that thought out of my head and said to myself, "This will not beat me." I made an appointment for radiology and to see a specialist in Greenville who pioneered multiple myeloma stem cell treatment. Then I went back to where my sister was recovering. THIS WILL NOT BEAT ME!!!
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